1. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ULCERS OR WITH STOMACH ACIDS: 1) don't mix your peppers with liquor, caffeine, nicotine, aspirin, or emotion, and 2) eat fat beforehand--cheese or cream especially.

2. IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ULCERS OR WITH STOMACH ACIDS AND REFUSE TO GIVE UP YOUR CIGARETTES AND MARGARITAS OR REFUSE TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR KIDS / MATE / LOVER: 1) eat LOTS of cheese, 2) drink lots of cream, and 3) hope for the best.

3. IF YOUR MOUTH IS ON FIRE! I was hopeful when I started the research that I'd find a panacea. Didn't. But some things help. Lipoproteins such as the casein in milk and yoghurt (NOT cheese or butter, since it's casein and not fat that helps) give relief. In one tangle with a habanero (it won) I was okay as long as I held yoghurt to the nuclear bomb site on my lips--but back to pain plus the minute I swallowed. Another remedy is to swish and gargle with vodka, since capsaicin is soluble in alcohol. Be careful not to swallow, though, cause you'll end up burning holes in your stomach lining.

4. IF YOU'RE TOO STUBBORN TO WEAR RUBBER GLOVES WHEN YOU'RE CUTTING CHILES AND THEN JUSTIFIABLY WORRY ABOUT RUBBING YOUR EYES OR PERFORMING OTHER BODILY FUNCTIONS. And this goes double for people who wear contact lenses and have to take them out at some point. WELL, there really IS a bonafide solution here--and I do mean solution. Just get yourself a little bowl of clorox (bleach), diluted 5 parts water to 1 part bleach, and so long as you dip your fingers in from time to time you've got the problem licked. Why? Capsaicin compound is not soluble in water, but chlorine or ammonia turns it into a salt, which IS soluble in water. Please be advised, though, you should never soak your hands in this solution--that will compound the problem and cause burns. Just dip the fingers quickly. Alternatively, one reader advises that you can also protect your hands by coating them lightly with vegetable oil as a barrier--not as good as rubber gloves, but the same principle.