Understanding Your Employees' Hangover Level

One Star Hangover

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you're able to function relatively well. However, you're still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You're craving a chili-cheese coney and a side of gravy fries. You might as well work. There'll probably be some dead food to graze on.

Two Star Hangover

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a 2 ounce ladle. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels. You can work but you should beg your manager to let you make a breakfast run before the store opens.

Three Star Hangover

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive and praying to be cut early. Everytime you walk by a female guest you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random Jaeger shots you did with your alcoholic buddies after the bouncer 86'd you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen jelly donuts and a meatball hero watching Spongebob. You've had 4 cups of Catch a Buzz coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Red Bulls and a 2-liter of Mountain Dew Code Red, yet amazingly you haven't peed once. If your manager's smart, you'll work in a non-guest-contact capacity.

Four Star Hangover

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing (Wow, the Muzak is cranked today!). You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore yesterday's uniform, which you pulled out of the backseat of your car. And you can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding horseback.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair looks like you fell into the bar blender. If you are able to work, DON'T taste-test the seafood gumbo!

Five Star Hangover

AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the guests still waiting in the lobby to be seated. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in a futile attempt to get the remnants of the dog crap fairy's visit out. Your body seems to have lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you as it sticks to the roof of your mouth. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, or what you drank. The only reason you're at work is to avoid the not-so-cute stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.

Six Star Hangover

Otherwise known as "Damn, I'm unemployed!" You wake up on your bathroom floor...never a good sign. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking last night, but not ultra lights... some jackass handed you what seemed like a month's worth of Cuban cigars, and you smoked them like a side of babyback ribs. Eventually you manage to look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock!" faintly atop your forehead... the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "Scooby Doo" pajamas and slippers. You need to end your love affair with the toilet and start calling around to see if you can pay someone (Anyone!) to cover your shift so you don't have to start filling out applications...tomorrow.