Symptom:

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault:

Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution:

Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom:

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault:

Glass is empty.

Solution:

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom:

Room is spinning.

Fault:

Somebody is spinning your barstool.

Solution:

Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom:

Feet cold and wet.

Fault:

Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution:

Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom:

Feet warm and wet.

Fault:

Loss of self-control.

Solution:

Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom:

Lap cool and wet.

Fault:

Drooling on yourself.

Solution:

Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom:

Bar blurred.

Fault:

You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution:

Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom:

Bar moving.

Fault:

You are being carried out.

Solution:

Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom:

Bar looks like a circus.

Fault:

You're at a circus.

Solution:

Go to a bar.

Symptom:

The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault:

You have fallen over backwards.

Solution:

If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom:

Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault:

You have fallen over forwards.

Solution:

Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom:

Everything has gone dim.

Fault:

The pub is closing.

Solution:

PANIC!