Waiter Jokes

1. Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
   I'll tell him to hop it.
2. Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
   Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.
3. Waiter, my plate's wet!
   That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!
4. Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
   I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.
5. Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
   That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.
6. Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
   So why don't you laugh?
7. Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
   What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
8. Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
   That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.
9. Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
   Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
10. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
    Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...
11. Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
    I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.
12. Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
    Then that must be tea, sir. The coffee tastes like glue.
13. Waiter, this coffee is way too strong!
    Don't complain, sir. You may be old and weak yourself some day.
14. Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
    That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
15. Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
    That's all right, sir, it's not hot.
16. Waiter, what's this in my soup?
    I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.
17. Waiter, do you serve crabs?
    Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.
18. Waiter, have you got asparagus?
    We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!
19. Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
    The head waiter says you eat like a horse.
20. Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
    Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
21. Waiter, this bun tastes of soap.
    That's right, sir - it's a bathbun.
22. Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
    Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
23. Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
    I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.
24. Waiter, if this is place then I'm an idiot.
    You're right, sir - it *is* the place.
25. Waiter, I think I'd like a little game.
    Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?
26. Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
    No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.
27. Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
    I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.
28. Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
    I'm doing my best, sir.
29. Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
    We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?
30. Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
    Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.
31. Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
    Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.
32. Waiter, I'll have a chop; no - make that a steak.
    I'm a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!
33. Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
    It's in the sausages, sir.
34. Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
    Yes sir, that's because we've run out of flies.
35. Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
    I'm sorry sir, I didn't know that you are vegetarian.
36. Waiter, where is my honey?
    She left last week, sir.
37. Waiter, there's a hair my honey.
    It must have dropped off the comb, sir!
38. Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb!
    Yes, it's very popular, sir.
39. Waiter, this bread's got sand in it.
    That's to stop the butter slipping off, sir.
40. Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
    Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.
41. Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
    So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?
42. Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
    That's your sausage, sir.
43. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
    That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.
44. Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
    So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
45. Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
    I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.
46. Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
    That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!
47. Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
    Can't you tell by the taste?
    No, I can't
    Then what does it matter?
48. Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
    Without what, sir?
    Without your thumb in it!
49. Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
    Fillet?
    Yes, to the brim.
50. Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
    This $10 note is bad, sir.
    So was the meal.
51. Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
    No there isn't.
    I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
    And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't butter, it's margarine - so there!
52. Waiter, how long have you been here?
    Six months, sir.
    Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
53. Waiter, I can't eat this!
    Why not sir?
    You haven't given me a knife and fork.
54. Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
    I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
    Well, bring me the winner!
55. Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
    Certainly , sir.
    Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!
56. Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
    Yes, sir.
    Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.
57. Waiter, my bill please.
    How did you find your luncheon, sir?
    With a magnifying glass.
58. Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
    We don't do food like that, sir!
    You did yesterday..
59. Customer: I'll have some lamb chops and make them lean.
    Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?
60. Waiter, what do you call this?
    Cottage pie, sir.
    Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.
61. Waiter, what do you call this?
    That's been soup, sir.
    I don't care what it's been, what is it now?
62. Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
    Anything with it, sir?
    If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.
63. Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
    How did you find your steak, sir?
    Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.
64. Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
    Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.
65. Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
    Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!
66. Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
    Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
67. Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
    Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
68. I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant the other day, but the chicken was terrible. So I called the waiter over and I said, "This chicken is rubbery."
    And the waiter said, "Thank you berry much!"
69. "Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!".
70. A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
    Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
    "Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
71. Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
    1st customer: I'll have tea.
    2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!